So I am stepping out on a limb to write this blog post. Not only because it exposes me in a way I didn’t want to admit but also because it exposes the person I used to date and a person I am currently dating. Here goes anyway!
Let’s journey back just 2 years ago. I had met a guy on tinder, not bad looking, and had decent conversation. Not very much my type but, who really has been? As we talked for a few weeks I started realizing he “had life together”. He worked for a major corporation in NY in a pretty high up position. He had his own place (renting of course but in New York that’s big, right?). He volunteered for a non profit, went to great events and venues, took trips and really seemed to be living life. Although he wasn’t my type I was excited that for once I was getting to know and could possibly be dating someone finally that was grown and doing some shit in life. Quickly I over looked the “he isn’t my type” and just allowed myself to become engulfed in him. Always going where he went and being apart of everything he was a part of because finally I have someone I can raise a family with and be grown with. Many month past, we’ll only 3 and here we both were in a relationship that wasn’t working for either of us. Verbally abusive to each other, always talking about what the other was missing and how we weren’t happy. I Held on and so did he. Both for the wrong reasons. The next month worst and the next even worst turning into physical abuse.
Lets pause because I know your asking, if he wasn’t your type and things became Messy how did you stay in the relationship. Well, there were great moments! We laughed and had a good time together. Our conversation was good. Sex…..eh. Well anyway when you spend a lot of time with someone and you train your mind to not being enough like I did, and allow yourself to think it’s humble to stay and work things out with someone regardless if it is for you or not, you become attached in a way and it becomes the feeling of “Love”. I’ll only say it one more time because it’s embarrassing and hard to admit, but i stayed because he “had life together” I didn’t really and i was ready to start a family!
Even his family! The size of it! His extended family. The size of it. The get togethers, the feeling of never being alone and he cared for me and I could tell he did. However he too was Into the materialistic of it all. I knew I was a trophy (mostly for personality) but I was missing the money, being able to buy his whatever he wanted, I mean I wasn’t shit, just a flight attendant. As more time past by I learned he didn’t have all he appeared to have “together” and he got to see that I was not yet responsible and not together myself that we came to the place of looking at self and decided what was good enough and what we deserved. I deserved someone who loved and accepted me, respected me, and wanted to grow with me. So with that realization I moved on.
Fast forward to a few months later and I meet my current boyfriend. No long story here but to that I’m on the flip side. Now I feel like I have gotten life together. Paying rent and my bills, making pretty decent money, became a bit more responsible in life and even stronger within who I am. When I met my current boyfriend he didn’t have a great job, living at home, didn’t have too much passion and appeared to just be coasting. I saw things in him that intrigued me and he is interesting and silly and kind and loving. After a few months with him I start getting the feeling of, what can he do for me, for each other what can we do. Will I be able to have a family with him and soon? I mean I am 37, hello somebody! I would mention these things to him. Like yo when you gonna get a better job or move out of your moms place. I wasn’t really encouraging him from a place that supports him rather i was looking to make things what i wanted and needed in the process of “getting him together”. Whoa! I had become my ex! Nothing good enough and wanting more. My current, got a server job and then I’m like okay what’s next. Then he is promoted to bartender and I’m like oh cool but when are you leaving this place and going to a place that pays more. Then I’m like your missing passion in your life. Mentioning that he used to love music and play instruments and now he is just living, blah. Then he decides to enter into the personal development workshops that I went through a couple years ago and is growing and I’m like not quick enough and guess what,
He has been passionate, about me, he has been growing and at his pace and without celebrating him and being with him I’ve been judging and requiring more. I have been so materialistic and not in the sense that we think materialistic is. I don’t have a sugar daddy, I’m not looking for my bills to be paid (I got that), I’m not even looking to be taken care of. I Have just been looking at what I THINK is missing in someone else’s life and thinking ahead of what I want and need and have been missing out on, all while the love i need, is right in front of me. With the pace of his growth, even now, it’s still possible that I have already lost it with past conversations and my judgmental ways of being. I doubt it because this man is so loving and forgiving and not as dramatic as I am so I think I’m just in my head about it. However I know, going forward I get to just BE with him and let him love me and love him. Everything else will come, OR NOT! And if it doesn’t come then I get to decide what I want and need and make moves then. Same goes for him. But what is not right is if you choose someone you don’t get to turn them into what you think they need to be. You can encourage them and support them but no way can you create them! Which will bring me into another keynote of choosing rather than settling. Later though okay!
BE Non Materialistic and start loving your mates and friends and family for who they are! Encourage them to be the best they can BE and support them in getting there as needed. Take care of what you need and make sure you can supply for yourself. Stop concentrating on what is missing before you realize you really just missed out on real love!
BElieve, BE Free, BE YOUtiful…BE!