I am so nervous about posting this keynote blog, but it must be done. I’ll get right into it.
I was always a pretty good kid. Raised respectful and to love life and myself. I am also a very creative and imaginative person and so that brings many curiosities! Some curiosities lead to doing things that you later wish you never did.
I have many secrets as we all do. Some of mine have hung over my head because I know it is not who I truly am or who I want to be or judged by.
21 years old. A virgin. Never did drugs (well other than weed but hello!) wasn’t a drinker. Not a saint either, but nothing majorly shameful. Well I moved to Florida to take care of my grandparents around this time and man did it feel like freedom. I only visited Florida as a child but never lived there. Everything was brand new to me and a chance for me to find out who I was as I feel I sort of lived a sheltered military life. Here goes, I lost my virginity to someone that meant nothing and was super ugly, lmao. I ran with the wrong people and was introduced to cocaine and became addicted for an entire week! I then started drinking and learned I liked the feeling of the buzz. Well, long list of bad stories short I didn’t become a whore, and I stopped using cocaine but the drinking and going out all the time never ceased and the weed smoking increased! I mean complete pot head! It was so easy as I was an artist performing and had a quick day job and lots of free time.
I’ve always been a person who recreates himself and makes changes and most times it’s for the better. So to get away from Florida and these bad habits I was creating I decided to enrolled into Job Corps. Before taking off to Kentucky I made a quick pit stop in North Carolina where I originally lived before going to Florida and my mommy still lived there. While there for about a couple of weeks I was still smoking weed and bored out my mind! I was also a poet so I was writing a lot of spoken word! That deep tie your hair in a wrap and drag everyone trough your deep dark pain and call it inspirational but it was all depressing. lol. I was depressed but hid it so well! Anyway. To inspire myself with my writing as I also liked to write about other people’s experiences and then speak them in the form of it being my own story for a creative flair I used to go down to an area in Jacksonville NC called Court Street. This is where all the pimps and hoes and drug dealers and addicts hung around. I made friends with them and would basically interview them and they would share their crazy stories and I would turn them into poetry. I trusted them, they loved me, weird!
I met a guy who was on an electric scooter and was one of the main pimps. We became close (well what appeared close lol) and he would tell me all the time I didn’t belong down there and was on my way to ruining my life. I explained oh I’m not a prostitute or on drugs just down here hanging out! Lmaoooo why in the hell was I hanging out in these streets? I have no idea where my head really was. Anyway he smoked crack. And you guessed I tried a puff. Hated it. But oh my God I did it. I did crack. Even if it was just a pull! Smh. While high on my little puff a car rolls around with a very attractive man in the drivers seat, a marine. Clean looking, the man, expensive, his car. He calls out the window, eh man where the chicks at. I replied, oh I’m not a pimp just chillin. Next thing out of his mouth was, what about you? You wanna make some money? My heart raced, blood boiling, I was actually a little offended. Do I look like a hoe? I look trashy to you SIR! This is what I wanted to say! I was still a bit high and umm I didn’t have much money, so instead I walked a little closer and asked, make money doing what? I don’t prostitute so I don’t know what it’s all about. He said I’ll give you 50 dollars for a blow job. I said oh no thanks. He said 100. I hesitated and said okay. Got in the car, we drive off, I did the deed, I got paid, I got out of the car, my high came down and I felt disgusting! I sat on a bench and cried. Another car pulled around. Another cute marine asking me to jack him off for 20 dollars. I walked to the car and got in and same pattern, returned back to where he picked me up and sat in the bench and cried with 120 dollars in my pocket. I couldn’t stay down here! I couldn’t ever come back! So I left! Never went back!
I could have caught a disease, hiv/aids, became addicted to drugs again, I could have been arrested, I could have been killed!!!!!!!!
My whole point in exploiting this story about myself is that although I experimented and tried and did some pretty awful things I was Clear that it was not my life and that I was worth more and created for better. Therefore I didn’t stay on this path. Most importantly, even though they were secrets that no one ever knew about me (even my mommy will be seeing this for the first time) I did them! I knew I did these things and I was not happy about it. I kept it for many years. And many times it resurfaced in my mind as I never let it go thinking I was all of these things. A prostitute, a drug addict, living in secret (as everyone thought I was not this guy) and sometimes the feeling stayed with me and I thought of doing all of these things again especially when I would fall depressed or lonely. Thank goodness I never fell back on these things and I will never again! It is because I am CLEAR that this old person isn’t who I am and It was simply something I went through. It is my testimony that we do not have to bE held in captivity for any of the bAd shit we may have done in the past and it does not stop us from being the best we can be today even if your bad shit just happened yesterday!
BE Clear! BE Clear that you are not made up of what you thought you were from the past! BE Clear that your bad ways are simply a path you were placed on to come out of it and help someone else through their bad path. BE Clear that today you get to choose who you are and what you will do in life going forward! Secrets are sometimes fun to have and keep! Some secrets can haunt you and hold you back from BEing the best BEing you were intended to be! Let them go! Let all of that shit go because it’s not you anymore! If you are currently in some shit, let it go and choose at this moment that it is not you! Not the life you were intended to live! Share your secrets when you are ready so that others can see who you are now by learning where you came from! Honestly, secrets are written on our faces and in our hearts and hold our lights dull. It is not only your story to keep to yourself and if you do, it may be hard to truly move forward! BE Clear today by Clearing your conscience!
BElieve, BE Free, BE YOUtiful…BE